Drunkard Alert!
by Euphoria Mustang
Summary: A drunken Hughes a pissed off Roy a sudden attack of craziness troubles, funkiness and a whole lot of comedy! What more could be awaiting the said colonel? Hughes x Roy...rated for some ‘ahem’ scenes! XD


**Drunkard Alert!!**

**Summary:** A drunken Hughes + a pissed off Roy + a sudden attack of craziness troubles, funkiness and a whole lot of comedy…. What more could be awaiting the said colonel? Hughes x Roy……… rated for some _'ahem'_ scenes………….enjoy!!

AN: We all love comedies. Especially when the said characters are drunk, it gets a whole lot beter!! This fanfic is also like that. Set after Hughes' first week of marriage. Enjoy the story!!

'blah'-talking

'blah'- thinking

"BLAH"- shouting

"**blah"-**biting your head off

--

Not fair!! It's so-o not fair!! Who did she think she was? Always bossing him around and forcing him to do paper works!! Everybody needs rest, even the Colonel himself! And signing piles of documents was definitely _not_ the definition of rest.

"Oh c'mon Hawkeye! I've been doing this shit for almost five hours now! Cant I at least get some coffee?"

"No sir! I'm sorry. But no coffee until this _shit_, as you like to put it, is completed!"

There, she did it again!! Saying 'no' straight to his face!! She ought to understand that doing this stuff was pretty tiring…..even if it was just signing them without even reading the documents properly.

Roy was really making progress though! He had solemnly pledged that no matter what happened, he would leave this hell of an office by six sharp. And like all honest civilians, he _was_ going to keep it. So now, he began to make those darn signatures in full speed ahead!!

Finally, he was done at the said time. Boy oh boy!! He couldn't wait till he got home and got that elegant taste of the French champagne which he had been saving for himself !!

' _Ah ! Nothing like going to home and having a cool drink after a hard day's work!!'_ He thought. He could almost feel it's mouthwatering taste as he got into the car. Only few more minutes to go. Then, no one could stop him from enjoying himself…. not even Hawkeye!!

Finally, Mustang reached his house. But wait…what's this? Was it just him or were there noises coming from inside?

'_Nah! I'm imagining things. How can anyone else enter my house just like that? I was careful to lock the doors properly. I always do! Darn that Hawkeye! All this paper work stuff is really getting to me!'_ He then shrugged it off and entered the place what he calls his home.

"And now, it's time for me to take a shower!" Roy announced it to some invisible person. He often did that. It made him feel that he was not alone.

"Yes, you do that. And after that, we're gonna have a good time together!" That seriously startled him. He slowly turned round to see who the intruder was…if there was any, that is! He could smell a familiar scent of cologne. It was not new to him. He had smelt a similar cologne somewhere before! Or, was it someone who he knew?? Even his voice sounded recognizable to Roy! It was slurry, but definitely not unknown to him.

Okay! Now Roy was confirmed! He was certainly not alone. Someone else was there as well….. Someone who's none other than….

"MAES HUGHES!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Now now Roy..hiccup…is that any way to talk to your dearsest frie..hiccup…end?"

Roy stood in shock. It didn't take much of a genius to figure it out that Hughes was drunk.

"Seriously Maes! Exactly how many bottles did you drink to reach this current state?" Roy had to ask this. He was not only dealing with Hughes, but was also dealing with a drunken Hughes!! And every one of Hughes' friends and family knew that he could get out of control if he had booze to energize himself!!

"He he…. Well.. les'see… ummm …may be one…."

'_No way!'_ Roy thought, _'…only one bottle?? That's impossible!'_

"…..dozen!! grins"

"….."

"….."

"….."

"ONE DOZEN!! ARE YOU NUTS!? " This had to be coming after the pregnant silence that followed. Seriously, after a hard day of work, how much do you think Roy could handle? Well at least that explained why Hughes got so-o drunk. But one thing still remained a mystery._' How the hell did he get here? I remember locking the doors and all!'_

" Hey! Hughes!'

"Huh?"

"How did you enter the house?"

" What do ya mean?"

Man!! Was he slurring!!

"I mean I didn't leave the doors unlocked. So **how **did you get here??"

"Through the win.._hiccup_…dow, of course! He he !! Roy, you ask such oblivious questions!!"

'_That's an obvious question!!_ 'Roy thought." Okay that's it! Hughes, **I'm taking you home**. "

At this, Maes' eyes began to be filled with water, his lips throbbling and limbs shaking. It was as if he was going to burst into tears!

"Oh stop it Maes!! I had enough of you! You ARE going home **and that's final**!! **Got it**!!"

"What? Why are you staring at me…… Hughes, stop that!"

Hughes was taking this too far! He knelt down in front of Roy and wrapped his hand around the younger's knees!

"**What do you think? By doing **_**that**_ **, I will take it easy on you? Huh??"**

Finally, Hughes couldn't restrain himself. He did what he intended to do all along!!

" **Whaaaaaaa**………….. **how could you be so-o mean? I came here to see you and this is how I**…_hiccup _**….. get** **paid?? Whaaa…..mommy….mooommmyyyyy…."**

Wow!! He hadn't seen that coming!! Who would've guessed that Maes Hughes, Lt. Col Maes Hughes was a total nut case when he was drunk!! But for now, Roy had to think of a way to shut him up. That man was making a hell of a noise, enough to wake up the dead!

And if this went on, then he'd soon have to look for another place to live!!

"Okay, okay! You can stay here for tonight and only for tonight, alright? There, now stop that!"

At this, Hughes stopped crying and looked up at the other with his cute 'puppy eye look'.

" Really! Do you really mean it?? You're not just sayin' that, are you?"

Roy's temper had reached it's limit. What was wrong with this man? He's just like a whining kid when he's drunk!! And by 'drunk', Roy meant heavily drunk!

"Yes, yes, I do mean it! NOW QUIT IT!! " Roy paused to take a deep breath. By then, he had understood that taking care of his best friend in such a state would be far more difficult than figuring out a complicated transmutation reaction!! _'Jez!_' Roy thought, as he made his way towards the shower, _'If one week of marriage has this kind of impact on someone, then I'm never getting a wife for myself!!_

--

Roy slid open the bathroom door as he finished taking his shower. The summer breeze blowing over his wet body and through his soft hair made him feel like as if, a huge burden had been taken away from his shoulders. He entered his room in oorder to put his clothes on. Then at last, he could enjoy the said French Champagne. But this very thought of alcohol made him frown.

'Wasn't Hughes here a minute ago?' He thought. He did worry a bit as he is friend was awfully quiet for some reason….normally, he would've tried to speak gibberish in his current state, if not do some really embarrasing dtuff by now….' if he's still home, that is!! I wonder where he went!! May e to his wife I guess….

"….Too bad! And I was starting to get used to his presence!"

"So here he is!!' came a sudden reply from the back. It made Roy almost jump up!! Not only the sudden response, but also the opening of the door with a loyud bang startled Rou nevertheless. He turned round only to find an intoxicated Lt. Col standing infront of the door with his left leg kept straight into the air in a kicking position and his hands kept in a Superman- like position!

"Damn it Maes!! Must you always sneak up from behind??"

As an reply, he only received Hughes' sluggish laughter!!

'Typical!' Roy thought and then he shuddered it off. He knew that it would be pointless to even ask the other of his name at a time like this!

" So any way, I've been thinking; you can stay here tonight and if you're lucky enough, may be you can even sleep in this …. In this…….r-room….f-for tonigh-what the hell are you lookin' at??"

He couldn't but express his annoyance. While he was letting Maes know about his decision, the latter was busy staring at his bare stomach, through the gap of his partly unbuttoned shirt, which had tiny droplets of water on it, the light making it look all the more attractive. If it was a stare, then it would probably okay with Roy. But it wasn't just a stare…..Hughes was…

'_Stalking at me?? But why? Is he doing that on purpose? To annoy me??_' It was all too confusing for Roy. Suddenly uneasiness began to flood in him. He now couldn't even look in Hughes' eyes as he had been just a while ago!!

'_Probably the liquor!'_ That was the reason which made Roy ignore about what happened just then. He soon shrugged it off and went to make dinner. Man!! Was he ever hungry!!

Finally, Roy had finished cooking something for himself. He also offered the other some. But he seemed like he didn't want any; he was too busy trying to make out t which was his right hand!!

So Roy had decided to soothe down his own growling belly. Hughes could eat his own food when he was done figuring out the very complicated matter. Just as he was about to put the piece of salmon into his mouth, a pair of hands suddenly hugged him from the back. Roy could also feel a head nuzzling into his neck.

"What's wrong now Maes?" Roy said with a big sigh escaping his mouth.

"Where were you Huh? Don't you know how much I missed you?"

"What? I was here all along! And so were yo-hey! Put me down!!"

Maes had picked Roy up without any warnings. The alcohol was sure showing its effects and quite dangerous ones also!!

"Damn it Maes! What the hell do you think you're doing?? Put me down right this instance!!"

" Weeee… it's fun!! Feels ju-u-u-u-st like our very first day of weddin'!!Right honey?'

'honey?? Did he just call me honey?' Roy couldn't hold back his expression of utter shock.'Okay, first he brakes into my house, then he keeps staring at me, that pervert! And now, he thinks I'm his wife?'

"This is getting far too much Hughes1 I'm Roy, remember?"

"Roy? As in like Roy Rogers? He he ….sweetheart, you're funny!" Hughes said as he continued to carry his 'wife' up to the bedroom .

" YOU FUCK HEAD! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I'M NOT YOUR WIFE WHOM YOU CAN FUCK WITH ANYTIME YOU LIKE!!"

At last, roy screamed, hoping to bring the stupor to his senses. He had hoped that by this, his friend would come to his senses. But, the effect was quite the opposite!!

" Awww, aren't we embarrassed! It's okay! Happens the first time!"

'First time? What does he mean by first time?' Panic began to grow within Roy's chest. He could very well guess what was going to happen. His mind screamed to run away from this crazy man. But it was impossible. Because number one, he was at the time being held by Maes' strong hands and number two, even though his mind offered heavy resistance, somehow, his body did not seem to act according to his mind!!

" Hughes, no! **You are NOT going to do this. You definitely will not do something so despicable! Now let me go!!"**

" Oh shudup!! This is exactly what you said on the very day."

Roy tensed at this. 'Does that mean that he didn't get what he wanted? So that's why he's acting like this. But I'm not his wife, darn it!'

Roy yelled in a last attempt to get out from this madness, "JUST PUT ME DOWN MAES!!"

"Hey! You're pissin' me off! So shut the hell up!!" Hughes began to sound irritated. He had enough of the other's nagging and screaming. So, he did what he thought was best.

"I'M NOT YOUR WIFE YOU ASS HO-MMMMPH!!"

Roy's yelling was abruptly brought to a stop by Maes' handkerchief. He rolled it into a ball and then, literally shoved it into the younger's mouth!! Then, at last being pleased with the relative quiteness, saving Roy's unsuccessful attempts to speak, he headed towards his desired destination!

" Here we go! Now baby, let's start kickin'!!" Maes said excitedly as he entered the bedroom with a very unpleasant Roy, who was literally kicking, being brought in a typical bridal fashion.

" So babe, bring it on!!"

Maes then threw Roy onto the soft cushoins and himself sprang on them very enthusiastically. He held Roy's wrists tightly against the corners and tiedthem together using ducktapes. Boy! Was he ever prepared! Then, after finisshing with the set ups, he leaned forward to give Roy a time of a lifetime.

Roy's heart began to beat hardly! His whole body became tensed! He desperately seeked help!

' _Someone please help me! Get me out of here!!'_ his mind screamed with every inch of it being panic-stricken. He kicked and struggled desperately, wishing that his friend would just pass out. But this got Maes' attention.

" Hmm? You want ta say somethin'Dear?"

"Mmmph…mmm…."

"Oh! So you want more? Okay!! grins Now we're talkin'."

"MMMMMMHMMMMMMMMM!!"

"Here it comes!"

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMM………………….."

"There you are Maes! I've been looking all over fo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! For heaven's sake what do you think you're doing??"

"A sudden shrill voice made him turn round towards the door, only to find his real wife standing with her eyes wide open in shock!!

" Gracia, it's you?? He he see honey! There's 'nother you!!' He said to Roy, who was greatly relieved to see her.

"Mmmmmph…"

'_Thank god she's here! Thank Christ he didn't lock the door!! I'm saved!!"_

" Where did you run off to all of a sudden? Now I find you only to see you are at it again?? And this time, instead of pestering me, you picked on the apparent me?? Look what you did to him!! Oh the poor dear!"

" Huh! Oh! It's Roy….Hiya buddy!! How you doin '??"

'_How am I doing, you bastard! How do you think I'm doing with you on top of me??'_

"Mmmm."

"You're coming home mister!" Gracia said sternly as she dragged her husband by his ears.

" Hey hey ! Easy now!!"

"Oh be quite!!"

"Oh lookie! The moon!..Every night in my dreams, I se you I Feel you…."

"Oh stop it!"

"….And that's how I know you'll go on…."

There, in the dark room, a still tied up Roy thought, '_Where are you going?? Free me!_ '

"Mmmmphhh…"

_'Someone! Any one! Free me!!'_

There, outside, he could hear a familiar voice singing,"…..Once, more, you open the door….."

'_Open the door and untie me, shit head!!'_

"Mmmmmph….."

"……My heart will go on……"

"**Mmmmmph…."**

"…..and on and on and on and on…"

"**MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM……………………………."**

--

So there! I hope you liked it!

Poor Roy! I think even he doesn't deserve to be treated like this!! Roy! I'm sorry!! I love you!!

Anyways, reviews are greatly appreciated!

owari


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